Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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