i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
a search helicopter?!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
