there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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