if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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