Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
