Please, let me fuck your mom
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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