Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
