Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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