I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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