For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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