I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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