I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize