I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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