She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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