i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
