Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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