well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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