Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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