If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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