His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just invented taco cereal.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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