I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
