I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
