This dress was meant to end up on your floor
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
