Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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