I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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