my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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