Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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