Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize