dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
