the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
