you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
