I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
