theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My dick has a subreddit
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
