You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize