can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
