My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
