Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
