Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
