my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You are the jesus of drinking
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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