New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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