Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize