I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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