I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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