Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
