dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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