Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize