You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
