mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
