This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
