i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize