Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I looked at my own cervix.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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