you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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