My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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