I think I won the penis lottery.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
