When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
