I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
