here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
