I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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