I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
