Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize