Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
